The other topic is heartbreaking and so utterly unfortunate and so much more even than all that. Seattle has experienced several rounds of violence lately with an unusual number of shootings and deaths in less typical places, and thus a big rash of media coverage. One of the shooting victims was the father of a former classmate of Molly's, who was tragically in the wrong place at the wrong time and killed by crossfire at 4:30 in the afternoon. This little girl still goes to Molly's school in the afternoon class (and it's a tiny, close-knit school) and so this has, understandably, profoundly affected a lot of the parents and her two teachers. I know the little girl whose dad died, though I don't know the parents. The kids were in the car, as were their grandparents, stopped at a stoplight, when two young men started firing at each other on a street corner. The dad was hit and killed, the kids ran for help and their grandfather held his son as he died. This has, naturally, been all over the news and dominated a lot of parent conversation in her school community as people reached out to support one another. Kids, of course, pick up on all of this and whether you're directly explaining or they're trying to make sense of bits of pieces they overhear or sense from tense moms and dads, and they form their own version of the story. We hadn't talked too directly about it with Molly, and she hadn't asked, though we acknowledged that people were feeling sad right now because so-and-so's dad had died. Today, though, while Molly, Jack, and I were playing Play-doh, she came out with "XX's dad was shot and killed by a gun". Wrong kid, it turns out, but the right story. She didn't attach a lot of emotion to it, and was more interested in the role of the gun and the people who shot it, rather than the death itself, but she really had a lot of the story down. I know her teachers are being very cognizant about directing questions back to parents, but nonetheless, it's a big event in the kids' world and it's natural to want to talk about it. She really wanted the nuts and bolts of what happened -- who was the blame, what had happened to the shooters, etc. I did the best I could to answer, appropriately, mindful of the two year old ears that were also listening, though it was hard for me not to get emotional about the whole thing on many levels.
These bigger questions can feel daunting to answer sometimes. A few things have saved me from totally flubbing it up, I think (although, admittedly, the first question about babies had me a little floored and only time with really tell if I've mucked everything up). First, it's to listen to what the kid is asking. The topic can feel overwhelming but if you can let their questions guide your answers, then you don't have to offer a whole canned speech on the birds and the bees or explain every who, what, where, and when on the first go-round. Secondly, kids don't always attach the same emotions that adults to do big events. Death often is funny to little people or they may have figured out coping skills on their very own and don't need you to prescribe their feelings or what they should be worried about. I think what scares them the most is when people shush them or won't at least try and talk to them about something. Then it just feels scary. And finally, a friend of mine reminded me that if you can answer the little questions, they'll keep coming back for the bigger ones next month, next year, when they are scary teenagers. Although the balance will inevitably and very normally shift, for now, I like that Molly gets her answers mostly from me and John and not from Billy Whoozy Whatzit down the street. Or if Billy wants to give Molly some information, she can feel free to check the veracity of his facts with either of her infinitely wise (aren't we all?) and sagacious (um, right?) parents. Molly was over the dying conversation in a few minutes today, pondering (or not) the few questions she asked, but if this whole thing goes the way of the baby-making, she will definitely be back for more. It's not joyful to talk about some of these things but they don't pay us the big bucks for the fun stuff, right?
What a reminder it was today, too, that these heavy questions pop out at the least expected times. It was a really good kick in the rear end to remind me that sitting down and really playing with these guys, even though it's so tempting to do a million other things since they're entertained with Play-doh or coloring books (yes, I give my kids coloring books and no, I don't think they stifle their creativity), is when the real conversations happen. It's those utterly unplanned moments that deliver the biggest connections. Hello Parenting 101, it's nice to be back with you. I'm sure we'll continue to talk through some of this stuff over the coming weeks and months. Unless I sense that some of these issues are bothering Molly (nothing seems to bother Teflon Jack right now), I'll let her come to me and ask me stuff when she's ready. We've got a lot of unplanned time ahead of us this summer... we'll see how I'm faring in a couple of weeks...
These are the other things that fascinate the crazy tornado right now...
Superhero madness. We've since added a mask to the ensemble. She's rocking it. This little obsession is also very likely where some of the "bad guy" questions come from. Thanks Batman, I really appreciate it. I'm ordering Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth next week.
And being a one-woman jam band.
And hey, guess what Jack's into? Eric and Mary's train track is such a nice change of pace from the one at our house, and at school, and anywhere else we can find one...
Okay, he also does like to be a little dancing groupie to that little jam band...
2 comments:
At work, much of the advice we give parents of sick children regarding how to talk with siblings is exactly what you've captured above. Keep it age-appropriate, focus on answering what they have asked, and create an environment in which it's ok to ask questions. Children are smart, and they listen like sponges, so they often pick up more than adults give them credit for. They also pick up on adult's sadness and fear, so it's much better to acknowledge that sadness and fear and be able to talk openly about it than to try to pretend those feelings aren't there, as that can make kiddos feel more unsafe when they don't understand the tension in the room. Additionally, keeping a child's routine can help them to feel safe as well.
You are such a good Mama. Though of course, that's no surprise. Thank you for your thoughtful posts - I imagine I'll come back to read them for reassurance when I'm a parent... :-)
I've been reading about all that's been happening in Seattle and thought of you multiple times but I had no idea it had affected you that closely. It's such an awful story. Sounds like you're handling the questions in stride though - as I would have expected. We're certainly entering the same phase over here and it's nice to read your thoughts on it. I'd definitely be interested in that book if you're willing to share the title! :-)
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